The Power of Food

I can't believe it's already been over a month since I last posted in my blog! I feel terrible, but then again, I feel like it was out of my control. Life got extremely busy in February as I wrote midterms, reports, and prepared for my internship interviews. And this brings me to my next topic....the internship process.
I have felt anxiety about doing internship interviews since I was in year one. Our professors "gently" would remind us that we should be volunteering and working jobs that relate to dietetics in order to give us experiences that would help us get an internship. I remember thinking, "Excuse me? When do I have time to volunteer? Maybe if you gave us less readings and assignments I could actually spare a couple of hours a week to get some experience outside of school, but right now, there's no way!" Then in second year, I realized that all of the readings didn't need to be read, and perhaps going out into the field would be a better use of my time. So I started volunteering at Toronto General Hospital in the liver and lung transplant unit. At first it was really exciting! I mean, we actually got to talk to "real" people that needed assistance. I got to read through patient charts and discuss with the dietitian which course of action should be taken. I really loved it! I also got involved with the health promotion team at Ryerson, audited patient food trays at Toronto General on top of doing the clinical work, and started working as a research assistant. Things were looking good.
Then, at the beginning of fourth year, I stopped working for the health promotion team and quit auditing food trays. I also started to get bored doing clinical work at the hospital. I would dread having to go in every Tuesday morning to do the same thing again and again. The patients started to frustrate me because they wouldn't lose weight before they received a transplant. They seemed to value eating over life. It has been proven that those with a BMI over 27 who receive a lung transplant have higher rates of remission, infection, rejection and mortality. Why did these patients not understand this? How powerful food must be if it can have a higher priority than life itself. I understand the forces at play, and I understand that a cookie often looks more appealing than broccoli. And of course, "healthy" eating is just part of the equation, as exercise plays an important role as well. But these patients can hardly breathe. Their lungs are not working properly. Exercise is out of the question for most of them, and food become the sole focus.
I just felt so helpless. I mean, these patients know what they have to do to lose weight. They know that their weight could kill them in the operating room. I am all for eating "bad" foods on occasion as I think that is part of living a "healthy" life. But if my life was on the line, I think I would do everything I could to lose the weight. Maybe this is where I'm a fault since I have never undergone this process so I really don't understand it. And again, this is perhaps why an overweight dietitian counseling those needing to lose weight might be a better option. They would understand the thought processes of these individuals in need. I really hope I don't sound cruel or mean. I do want to help, that is why I'm in this profession. I just don't think I have the right mind set or tools to be the best counsellor. I think I need more training in this area. I don't think we get enough of the psychological education needed to work with patients that desperately need our guidance. Maybe I'm wrong in separating eating from life. Maybe you can't pull the two apart. Maybe eating IS life.
Anyways...back to the internship interviews. I am not sure how they went. I felt like everyone around the table was judging me from the moment I walked it; assessing my outfit, my hair, my face, my body. Did I look like a dietitian? Did I act like a dietitian? Could I fit the mould? I guess we'll find out in two weeks. In the meantime, I sit anxiously, unsure if being a dietitian is even what I want...or even what I should be. I'm feeling very confused.